The air in their shared bedroom is uncomfortably cold. Alex swears in his mind that he turned the heat on before getting in the bed. Was it really this cold when he went to the bathroom? Looking to his right, he watches Raymond who's seemingly asleep. He's pressed up against Alex's side and his head is on his chest. Though he looks peaceful, he's sure he isn't actually asleep. His breaths are too even for him to be asleep.
Alex shifts from where he previously was laying. He carefully maneuvers Raymond's body so he is no longer propped against his chest. As he's pulling his legs up to his chest, he feels Raymond shift next to him. He takes more of the covers with him, pulling them up to his nose before all movement stills.
"I guess you really are asleep...," Alex mumbles to himself. Taking off his part of the cover, he moves it to cover Raymond more. He's worried about him but doesn't know what to do.
He wrings his hand through Raymond's hair. His hand never cleanly goes through his afro, always getting snagged on tangles that Raymond swears he picked out. His hair is dry because he didn't braid it like he's supposed to. Alex isn't exempt from this, he did the same thing, wanting to rest as fast as possible.
His hand caught a particularly nasty tangle. Trying to retract his hand causes Raymond to stir. He watches him rub his eyes and sharply inhale. The covers get pulled down a bit, revealing more of his face.
Without opening his eyes, he asks, "What're you doin'?" His speech is dripped in drowsiness and Alex feels bad for waking him up.
Finally withdrawing his hand, Alex is momentarily stunned. The words escape him though this shouldn't be much of an issue. As of late, he feels as if things are less grounded than usual, and blaming it on his nerves hasn't given him the explanation he needs. Though he has felt this way multiple times in his life, this may be the strongest sense he's felt in a long time. It would be ridiculous to disregard this but knowing him, he'd find a way to suppress it.
"Nothing, nothing...just lookin' at you is all."
"You don't seem too sure," Raymond slurs. He looks like he's on the brink of falling asleep, eyes lidded.
It takes him a moment before he can respond. He's once again caught in a lie. "Seriously, I'm just lookin' at you. Can't sleep is all."
Alex doesn't think Raymond believes him though his face remains neutral. He watches Raymond slowly get up from where he was laying. His head lays low as he settles on his knees, perched against the wall and messing up the pillows on his side. He rubs his face again before looking at Alex.
"You sure nothing's wrong? You're like...you're being weird."
Alex thinks of a good way to bring his concerns up without making the conversation as uncomfortable as he believes it will be. In the back of his head, he knows this discussion is needed but 2AM seems way too early for something like this. Against his "better judgement", he decides to bring it up.
"Well yeah, I-I mean kinda? I don't know how to ask you dis, um." He begins to regret bringing this up, closing in on himself a bit. He quietly responds with, “Actually we can talk about it later?"
Raymond shifts a little, moving the covers off his lap. "Nah, we can talk about it now. 'm not tired."
Alex plays with his fingers. The words don't come to him instantly. He knew that Raymond had dealt with mental health issues but he's not sure what he walked in on roughly an hour ago. The odd look on his face, the intricate vessel-like shadows creeping on and around him. He didn't know what to think except something was wrong.
"Um, I-I was wondering what happened in the bathroom earlier? You been a bit distant lately and I'm really worried about you."
Alex watches Raymond avert his eyes and regret fills his system. He believes Raymond is looking out the window though he isn't too sure. In his nervousness, he begins chewing on his fingernails, ripping the nail dangerously close to his skin. He gnaws some more, the taste of copper filling his mouth. To his dismay, this action doesn't go unnoticed.
"I've just been thinking is all," Raymond says as he takes Alex's finger out of his mouth. "You're going to mess your teeth up doing dat."
"I know, I know it’s just," he sighs as he moves closer to Raymond. "I'm really worried, y'know? You don't really tell me things anymore."
Alex takes the initiative and looks into Raymond's eyes instead of looking away like he had done multiple times before. He takes his hands into his own hoping this would encourage Raymond to talk more. Alex believes he knows his response pretty well since Raymond is more open than he'd like to admit. Thankfully this works in his favor.
"Well it’s more of, like, me thinkin' 'bout the past. I wasn't really trying to cuz I only wanted to go to the bathroom. Y'know, normal shit."
Nodding along with what Raymond is saying, he has a hard time looking him in the face. He tries his best to not show his discomfort outwardly; deep inside, he knows the direction the conversation is going but he shakes it off. Raymond pauses before looking away and takes his hands from Alex. He cups his own face with them, thinking about what to say next.
"I guess it feels weird tellin' you dis since, y'know, I never told you. I'm not gonna lie to you, I never wanted to tell you to begin with since I don't like it when you worry about me," he pauses again. At this point, Alex is no longer looking at Raymond. Alex is staring off into space, the words are hitting him deeply and he's no longer making an effort to make it look like he's listening.
Raymond turns back to Alex, though he isn't looking at him. He forces himself to look back into his eyes. "Around 4 years ago, I tried to kill myself. Shit gets rough, y'know? Not gonna expand too much on it since it's, what, 2AM? Don't want to be too heavy at this time, I guess."
Alex nods again, digesting the words spoken to him. There isn't much for him to say at this time. Instead of staying silent, he pulls Raymond into a tight embrace. He’s still at a loss for words and finds it difficult to think of an appropriate response. He hopes this is enough.